The Letter
by Caz-10-5
Summary: Bosco writes a letter to tell Faith what he can't say to her face.Chapter 2: Bosco considers his decisions
1. Default Chapter

**Title: The Letter  
****Pairing: Bosco/ Faith  
****Summary: Bosco writes a letter to Faith telling her what he can't say to her face. Yup, I'm sure it's been done a million times before.**

**A/N: This was inspired by the song 'Amneris' Letter', but also by the video of this song by Bree. (There's a link to it at thirdwatch dot net.) I wrote it a while ago and I don't know why I didn't post it. I guess I thought there wasn't much substance to it. Still, I've been trawling through my graveyard of abandoned fics, so when I found this I thought I'd post it. Let me know what you think, too sappy? I removed the lyrics as per instructions and I think it stands well alone. If you want to read it with the lyrics it can be found at thirdwatch dot net or boscorelli-yokas dot com

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Faith picked up the envelope that had been pushed under her door. The paper was cold and crisp. She turned it over. The envelope bore only her name: Faith. She recognised the spidery, almost illegible handwriting. Her gut twisted suddenly in fear. Why would Bosco write her a note? Something had to be wrong. Hurriedly she tore the envelope open and unfolded the single sheet of thin paper.

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I stare at the blank paper in front of me. I have to do this. I can't leave with so much unsaid, but there's no way I can tell her to her face. Gathering my thoughts I approach the paper warily, putting the first marks on it with my pen.

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_Faith,_

_I'm writing this letter to you because there's some things I need to get off my chest. You were always the only person I could talk to, but now I can't even talk to you face to face. I need to thank you for putting up with me for all these years. At times I've been an insensitive jerk and I know I've hurt you. I'm sorry for the tactless things I've said over the years and for the times when you needed me and I wasn't there for you._

Faith broke off from reading the letter with a stifled gasp. How could he possibly think he needed to apologise? They'd had their ups and downs over the years, but she'd hurt him just as much as he'd hurt her. It had never been a case of 'putting up with him', she'd trusted him to have her back as he'd trusted her. She'd wanted nothing more to do with him after the whole Cruz fiasco, but they'd got through that and after the sacrifice he had made for her on that fateful day at Mercy she would never be able to make it up to him. Tears filled her eyes as she remembered the sight of him, mangled and bloody, with a non-existent pulse and his chest motionless. A tear dripped onto the page and she continued to read.

_I've made a mess of my life, Faith. I couldn't protect my mother or Mikey and now he's dead because of me. He's dead, ultimately because I got caught in Cruz's web. I will never be able to forgive myself for Mikey; for not protecting him as a child, for letting him become a junkie and for causing his death. But more than that I will never be able to forgive myself for risking your life so selfishly. I should never have let you get involved in Cruz's dealings. I should have found a way to deal with it on my own. You were wrong to give me another chance; I'm still a screw-up and I always will be._

She closed her eyes in horror. He was still blaming himself for Mikey's death. She thought he'd been dealing with it. He'd said he was seeing a therapist who was helping him, he was coping. She'd thought they'd put the shooting in Noble's hotel room behind them, but obviously it was still gnawing at his mind.

_I can't go on living this life any more, Faith. Everything's so complicated. It used to be that the only thing in my life that wasn't screwed-up was my job. I was good at it; I thought I made a difference, but now things have changed. I don't think I can carry on doing this job. Now that I've experienced such for myself, I can't carry on seeing all the things we see everyday. I'd become desensitized; I hardly saw the dead bodies, they didn't affect me. You saw me, Faith. Not only did I not recognise my own brother, it didn't even matter to me. He was just another skel, some good-for-nothing lowlife, nothing more than the garbage he was hidden by. I can't carry on like this, Faith. It would destroy me, if it hasn't already. I used to want to change the world, or at least my little part of it. Now all I want is for the world to leave me alone. Except you, Faith, and that's why I'm writing this letter._

_I wish I could say this to your face, but I don't have the right to do that. I don't expect anything from you but there's been something I've been hiding from you for a long time. I've tried to tell you it so many times since the divorce, but I could never bring myself to. You've moved on, you don't need to be stuck with a useless jerk like me._

_I can't help myself though; I need you to know how much you mean to me. It's selfish but I have to get this off my chest. I love you, Faith. I've always loved you. I've always protected you with my life, because without you I have no life. When I got trapped in Cruz's net I couldn't help but turn to you. Of all the mistakes I've made, that is one of those that I am most ashamed of. I tried to stay away from you; I thought that way I wouldn't be able to hurt you, but you insisted on riding together again. When it came down to it, the only thing that mattered to me was your safety. I hope I've managed to repay some of the many things you've done for me over the years. You won't see me again, so I won't be able to hurt you. Now I can finally tell you the truth; I love you._

_Bos._

She stared at the paper, unable to believe what it said. She ran it through her head, trying to come up with an explanation. Nothing made sense anymore. Her partner had just declared his undying love for her. More than that, he'd spilled out his heart, his deepest darkest beliefs and revealed to her that he though he was a worthless loser. She'd just discovered that the man who she'd thought of as her best friend, who she thought she understood, was in fact completely alien to her. Something was troubling her, ticking over at the back of her mind. Her eyes flew to the last line of the letter, "You won't see me again." She'd hardly noticed it as she'd struggled to assimilate the new information, but now it struck her. What did he mean? He was leaving? She sank slowly to ground, no longer aware of her surroundings. She leaned against the wall for support as everything that had been unvarying in her life caved in around her. Her partner loved her. Her partner was leaving her.


	2. Secret

**Chapter 2 - Secret**

A/N: This started as a standalone, but when I started trying to write a follow-up to 'The Letter', I found the beginnings and thought it would work. It was originally based on the lyrics – and the mood - from Maroon 5's 'Secret', from their 'Songs about Jane' album. However, I then sort of forgot about it, and have now decided to resurrect the half-finished chapter. It's still set where it was when I started; I can't remember whether it was before all the rows, or whether I was in denial. Basically, Bosco is out of hospital, but was considering skipping town rather than requalifying…

As ever, Third Watch is not mine, and I am making no profit from this.

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_No coward soul is mine_

_No trembler in the World's storm-troubled sphere:_

_I see Heaven's glories shine_

_And faith stands equal arming me from fear_

_Emily Brontë (Last Lines)_

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The timid sun was cautiously creeping up above the Manhattan skyline. Its tentative rays were catching the glass-fronted buildings, bathing the city in a blood-red glow. The vermillion bled slowly across the watery grayness of the night sky. The indistinct boundary between the darkness and the dawn was a light pink, deepening to red as the semi-circular stain spread.

The warmth from the hood of his car had long since faded, but still he leant against it. The sun had yet to heat the cool night air but Bosco was oblivious to the chill. He continued to stare at the black water, as he had been doing for the last few hours. The sunrise was gradually lighting up his surroundings, bathing them in soft, unnatural colors.

It was only meant to be a quick visit, a final farewell to the place where they had spent so much time together, but he couldn't leave. Something was holding him there. All the good times were playing over and over again in his head. The laughs, the jokes, the pranks they'd played.

He wasn't sure what alerted him to her presence, it could have been the sound of a footfall or just the almost imperceptible sound of her clothes rustling as she moved. Maybe it wasn't even that, just the sensation of her eyes on his back, but whatever it was, he suddenly knew without a doubt that she was there. A crystal-clear vision of her formed in his mind's eye. He knew how she was hanging back awkwardly, not sure whether she should approach him or leave him be. He could imagine the set of her shoulders as she hesitated, trying to gauge his mood from the little she could see of him.

He spoke quietly, keeping his back to her. "You found me, huh?" She said nothing, but he guessed she would have nodded her head. He looked down at his hands, flicking his nails against each other absently. "I was going to leave." Silence hung heavily in the cool air. "I couldn't".

She moved to sit beside him on the hood. He kept staring straight ahead. "Did you ever think this was the way your life was going to turn out?" He felt her pause, puzzled at where this conversation was going. "Did you?"

"No," she said, after a little consideration. "No, I can't say I did. I would've never married Fred if I'd known this was how we were gonna end up."

There was silence again, as they thought their own troubled thoughts.

"I always wanted to be a cop," Bosco said finally. "Patrollin' the streets, keepin' the peace, protectin' people; I just never knew it would be like this. I mean, if you'da told me when I was hidin' out at the fort with Mikey-" He broke off, and Faith gently placed one of her hands on his. He took a breath and continued, "If you'da told me that years later I would be back there with him tryin' to stop him gettin' shot for the death of a cop, someone I knew, I'd worked with, an' that he was dealin'…" He shifted his hand so that he could grip hers. "I would've never believed ya. All I ever wanted to do was protect Mikey and Ma, an' I screwed up. Mikey was killed and Ma was injured…" he trailed off and tipped his head up to the sky, trying to stave off the tears that threatened.

They were quiet for a long time, watching the pink sky turn purple, and eventually blue. It dawned one of those perfect crisp mornings, with little fluffy clouds in a blue, blue sky.

His thoughts tumbled back to what she'd said earlier. "You really wouldn't've married him?"

Faith almost jumped at the non sequitur. "Huh?"

"Fred? You said you wouldn't've married him if you'd known?"

She shrugged. "Who knows. Maybe I still would've. I was in a pretty bad place, pregnant with Em. And it's not like we never had any good times. "

No, but their partnership had had its ups and downs too. "What about us?" His voice was slightly flat and he had tensed up.

She was puzzled. "What?"

He looked down at his hands. "Would you… would you've still stuck with me, if you'd known what would happen?"

"Of course." He looked up, surprised at the strength of her voice. "Bosco, we've been through so much. I wouldn't change you for anyone."

He smiled weakly. "Really?"

She grinned. "Much as I hate to reinforce the idea that you're irresistible…" This time he really smiled at the sarcasm. "Look, Bos, I know things haven't always been easy, but you're stuck with me now. There's no way I'm lettin' you go runnin' off." She took her eyes off him to stare at the water. "You saved my life ya know. I'm not lettin' you go so easily after that."

"You know I'd do it again, Faith."

She nodded and nudged him gently. "Why d'ya think I'm not lettin' you run off? You're my personal shield." She stared down at their intertwined hands. "I got your letter."

He stiffened at the mention of it. "I didn't reckon on havin' to see you after I wrote that," he muttered.

"It was a bit of a surprise," she started. He flinched at the words and went to move his hand from hers, but she put the other one on top, trapping it. "I realized that I don't really know you."

He really did pull his hand away then, and stood up, turning his back on her. His shoulders hunched defensively.

She stood up and followed him. "What I mean, Bosco, is that I don't see how I could've missed so much. About Mikey, and your mother. No one blames you for what happened."

"I do."

"Your wrong."

He was silent for a while. "Maybe."

She looked down at her hands. "And… I don't see how I could've missed how you felt about me."

He shrugged. "I was tryin' to hide it from you. I mean, you were attached, and I don't do married women." He turned to face her. "I couldn't be the one, Faith. I couldn't wreck your kids' lives." He scuffed his sneaker over the scraggy grass at his feet. "Maybe that's why I told you to stick with Fred. I wanted to tell you he was no good for you, but I didn't know if it was 'cause _I_ wanted you."

"Oh, Bosco," she sighed. She stared into his scarred face for a while. "Bosco, you're my partner. You'll always be my partner. But - at the moment - I'm not sure about anything else."

He nodded jerkily.

"I can't lose you, though, Bosco. I need your friendship." She turned away to stare into the middle distance. "These last few months…" Bosco moved to stand by her. "I've needed you, Bos," she whispered.

His chest was tight. "I wish I could've been there."

"Don't leave me again?" Her voice trembled with emotion.

He put an arm round her. "Never. You'll always have as much've me as you want."

She smiled radiantly. "Can I have a lift home? Em'll be getting' ready for school."

He nodded. "Sure. Hop in."

The morning sun was making the Mustang gleam as they turned to walk towards it. Things weren't so bad. Nothing could go wrong if he had Faith beside him, and he'd take as much of her as she was ready to give. Who knew how things would turn out? Sometimes you just have to take a leap, and hope for the best.

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**Footnote: I realize this may not be the happily ever after you were looking for. I'm thinking of writing a final chapter, which hopefully shouldn't take as long to get around to!**


End file.
